As fall quarter begins at UCSB it's common to greet returning friends with a simple “how was your summer” or “what did you do over summer” and catch up with loved ones you haven’t seen for a few months. They will likely regale you with fun trips and concerts and events they might have done and then the conversation will quickly move on to midterms and what's happening this coming weekend in Isla Vista. However, I’ve always wondered what the staff of Santa Barbara Hillel get up to during the summer, specifically the heart behind the entire operation, Josh (Messiah) Levine.   Josh and I go way back, in fact in small Jewish world fashion he was the director of the Jewish summer camp I grew up going to, Alonim, in Brandeis (Simi Valley), California. We kibitzed for a while catching up as I asked him about what he did during the summer. Little did I know it was his birthday the same day I conducted the interview. (Happy belated birthday Josh!).   Hillel’s and Josh’s summer started out strong in that we gained a new Ezra fellow, Elana Goldberg at the beginning of July. Additionally in July Josh and the team went to a conference at the Northwestern Hillel with 700 other Hillel’s where he says “we were halfway through a 2 year process on rethinking our organization. How best can we serve students?” A recurring theme throughout Josh and Hillel’s summer was reflection on the processes and programs Hillel provides and I hear some exciting things are in the works to streamline and help these programs suit students' needs.   Going from a packed July of onboarding and helping set Elana up for success at Hillel as well as a national conference, Shay Probstein was added to the team at the beginning of August, funnily on her birthday (Happy really belated birthday Shay!). The team got to work on program planning for the prospectives trip which would happen at the beginning of September and additionally began scheduling workshops and learning experiences which would happen throughout the school year. In August the team took the treacherous journey to Simi Valley and experienced the magic of Alonim with other West Coast Hillels. Naturally with all that Jewishness Mayim Bialik appeared and was a part of the conference.   In early September Josh and Shay led the prospectives trip in Israel. The rest of the month before students arrived was a period of adjustment for the new staff members and time spent bonding amongst the quiet rustle of the empty streets of Isla Vista. Josh mentions how each staff member at Hillel has “that kind of innovative, critical eye, hard-working, lets make it great kind of attitude that Hillel needs” which is so apparent in every program Hillel puts on. You can feel the love and care the Hillel staff has for every student that uses their facility and every interaction with them. He and I both share our excitement for what is to come this coming year and how summer was used thoughtfully to set up an intentional and meaningful year for the students of UCSB and the greater Goleta area.   I hope everyone had a wonderful and relaxing summer and an amazing start to your fall quarter.

Being a Jewish student at UCSB at any point in time is difficult — navigating keeping kosher in the dining halls is difficult, you have people in the Arbor proselytizing and trying to convert you to Christianity, and of course, there is an antisemitism problem on college campuses all throughout the country. There is one time in particular, though, that is much more difficult than the rest of the time, which is the high holidays time. For somebody who is fully chag observant, depending on the year, there can be up to seven days of class that must be missed due to religious observance (2 for Rosh Hashanah, 1 for Yom Kippur, 2 for the first two days of Sukkot, 1 for Shmini Atzeret, and 1 for Simchat Torah). This year, Rosh Hashanah fell on the days leading up to the beginning of school rather than during school. Although this sounds as if it elevates all the issues with conflicting schedules with school and Jewish holidays, this only helps with half of the battle. During these final two days of summer break, many organizations hold social events for new and returning students, allowing students to visit many clubs and meet many new people. Although Chabad, Hillel, and other Jewish organizations typically have these kinds of events during these days, this year, those were replaced by Rosh Hashanah services. And although I have met people during these days, I will say that grabbing coffee at Starbucks last year led to many more friendships than saying the Kaddish for the 20th time that day. That being said, I was still able to meet plenty of people after Rosh Hashanah. The days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur were very social days where I met a bunch of cool people. Yom Kippur was rough — I had to miss class and turn in a homework assignment early, although I (and everyone I spoke to) were able to manage. I know people who just didn’t eat and went to class, and people who were fully observant that day, and from my anecdotal experience and from what I have heard, all the professors were very sympathetic. After Yom Kippur comes Sukkot, and unfortunately, getting busy college students to build a Sukkah is quite the undertaking, but both Chabad and Hillel were able to build one. There were many engaging activities at both Chabad and Hillel during this time, such as Soup in the Sukkah and Israeli Dancing.  Finally, the last celebration during Tishrei is Simchat Torah. There was a great turnout at Chabad this year, and as per tradition, the Torah was carried all throughout Isla Vista. Now, Isla Vista can be filled with some interesting people, and by interesting, I mean highly antisemitic, but somehow this year, there was only one horrible post about us on YikYak! Getting to sing songs and be surrounded by friendly faces always feels good, and that is just what the community needed at that time, with all of the emotions surrounding the ever-changing situation in Israel. Overall, this year in terms of holidays has been pretty good. Although Rosh Hashanah fell at a slightly inopportune time, everybody in the community seems to have navigated the start of both the Jewish and academic year well. Yom Kippur also fell during school, but everybody seems to have figured out what to do. Sukkot and Simchat Torah were very fun and were a much-needed break from all the craziness happening in the world. Let’s hope that the rest of the year can be filled with all the simcha and joy that the Jewish community felt during the beginning of school!

A Retelling of the Jewish Folktale That Inspired Tim Burton’s “The Corpse Bride” By Lee Ellis Our Story is set in a time not too unfamiliar, where a man is set to marry his betrothed, and during the travels, horrors unfold.  Celebration, a tradition, as we made our way through the woods. Alcohol overflowed as we passed bottles back and forth. We stumbled as we explored the silver-lit woods, and we sang songs of joy as my nuptials approached with each step we took. We were daring each other to take part in increasingly foolish games, openly making fools of ourselves. It all came to a head when we drunkenly stumbled upon a large tree root.  However, when we stopped to realize we hadn’t stumbled over a root, we all discovered in a sobering shock that we had not tripped over a root but a beautiful woman. I passed the bottle I was holding off to my friend Benjamin, who, in turn, took a large swig. Yadid leaned down to investigate, popping up to state what was becoming increasingly apparent.  “I think she’s dead,” Yadid sighed, taking the bottle from Benjamin. “I think that's obvious, Yadid,” Raanan chimed. “What’re we supposed to do?” I asked, drunk and stupid. “We should get to town as fast as possible, go find someone,” Benjamin suggested. “Hmm, I know,” Yadid started, completely ignoring Benjamin, “Yakov, you should give us a preview for tomorrow, show us what you’ve been practicing.” “No way, Yadid,” I responded, completely taken aback by his brazen attitude. “Come on,” Yadid continued, trying to egg me on, “Just show us your vows. The other men chimed in with Yadid, pressuring me to practice my vows for them, using the corpse as a prop. I continued to shake my head, but in the end, the combination of overconsumption of alcohol and peer pressure wore me down, and I gave in.  I leaned down, noticing that the woman looked more as if she was sleeping than dead, and I whispered a prayer for forgiveness. I recited the vows I had spent the time to memorize and pulled the ring my parents had gifted me out of my pocket, slipping it onto the dead woman’s finger.  A strong wind blew through the woods, strong enough to knock me off my balance, shoving me to the ground. My friends all looked at me, and then around the clearing, as the moon slipped behind a large cloud. We all looked at each other and then again at the woods searching for the source of the sudden and dramatic change in the environment.  I heard Yadid stuttering out some kind of sentence, but I couldn’t make sense of it, as when I looked up, I saw the dead woman. Except it didn’t appear that she was dead anymore. She still looked ghostly pale and relatively corpse-like, despite this, she was no longer on the forest floor; she was standing over me, pointing and wailing.  “A husband! A husband,” she wailed, “I never thought this day would come!” I was still in a state of pure shock and fear when I felt my friends haul me up off the ground and turn and sprint through the woods. I gained my balance and was able to run on my own accord, glancing over my shoulder ever so often to see the corpse still wailing and following us through the woods at a surprising pace. “WAIT, WAIT,” she cried out, “I don’t even know your name.”  My friends continued to sprint, and I continued to follow. We pushed our way through the woods, ignoring the bottles and a few belongings we left behind. We could hear the corpses' cries through the trees, but despite it all, we pushed forward. Fear pushes our bodies past their natural limits.  We didn’t stop until we couldn’t hear her cries and agonizing screams anymore. We paused to catch our breath for only a minute. Once we made sure we were all together, we made the final push through the last of the woods. Our group watched the sun rise through the thinning trees over the village where my real bride awaited.  I looked at our group, and we were all sweaty and disgusting, covered in mud and dirt. I sighed and summoned the last of my resolve to make the final trek to the house where I’d meet my family and prepare for my wedding.  We made the walk in silence, trying to cope or make up excuses for what we witnessed in the dark of the woods. When we reached the house where my parents and sisters were waiting, I entered quietly, thinking over excuses for where the ring had gone and why I was so early, among other things.  My mother rushed over first, doting over my disheveled appearance. She was brushing off the dirt and grime, asking a million questions. “What happened? Are you okay? Where’s the rings?” “Mama, I’m okay, just a bit of a scare. Probably nothing.” “Nothing? You arrived disheveled and covered in dirt.” “It's just me and the guys. We were trying to scare  each other and ended up sprinting through the woods cause it spooked us so bad.” “Alright, I’ll drop it, but you all need to get ready.” I was swept into a frenzy of wild preparations, bathing, washing, rituals, all executed perfectly and with much time to spare. I went back and forth, finally ready and waiting for the moment the wedding would begin.  My mother was already in tears, and my father stood next to her, no emotions displayed on his face. My mother wrapped herself around me, wishing me luck before I was shepherded to the temple, where I’d wait for all the guests to arrive and to begin the rest of my life.  I waited at the chuppah for my bride, and when she entered, my heart stopped. A mix of anxiety and anticipation swirled through my mind and body. She approached, and the Rabbi started the ceremony, and right as we were about to start the vows, the doors swung open with a loud bang.  There in the doorway stood the corpse from the woods; she opened with a wail and a scream. “My husband! My husband! You cannot marry that man, he is my husband!”  “The rabbi looked up, and several of the townspeople turned to see the disruption. I heard several of the women scream, and some of the men shot up.” “YAKOV! What is happening?” my mother cried out, clearly disturbed but knowing this was my fault. “I don’t know, it started as a bet, a challenge, and we didn’t know this would happen,” I pleaded, hoping for my mother to understand, for anyone to understand.  “A bet?” she wailed again, “That’s so cruel, but yet you chose me!” A quiet voice piped up from next to me, my bride, Tzippora, “But you’re dead.” “Dead? Dead? That doesn’t matter!” “It does, we really don’t know if there’s even a stance for this yet,” one of the town’s elders piped up. “Yes, we must discuss,” the Rabbi said, gathering all the elders and disappearing into a chamber next to the sanctuary.  We all stood, the corpse had approached the chuppah, waiting for the Rabbi to get back, cornering me so that no matter the decision, I couldn’t get away. We waited, murmurs from the guests filled the sanctuary, echoing around me. The initial feeling of anticipation and anxiety shifted entirely into anxiety. The corpse’s dead eyes bored into me, and she reached, but I jolted back. The chamber door swung open, and the Rabbi and the elders emerged.  “We’ve talked, reviewed the texts, and we’ve decided that there’s no prior precedent of the dead over the living, and marriage lasts until death. So, in this case, the marriage between Yakov and this corpse is invalid,” the Rabbi said.  I felt relief flow through my body, and the corpse threw herself to the ground and screamed in anguish, before disolving into dust and moths. I watched the swarm of moths flutter out of the sanctuary doors and into the night.  As I stood at the altar, the memory of that fateful night lingering in my mind, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the shadows of the woods would forever whisper secrets of a past entwined with the echo of an unexpected promise.

Ah, Tishrei, we have made it through our first month of a new Jewish calendar year. We have cast our sins into the ocean, and the tide washed them right back up. We complained through a hungry day of reflection, and continued to complain when we broke our fast a little too much. We finished reading the Torah, and drank so much we forgot what happened, so we’ll have to read it again this year. Now that we have closed out our month of holiness, let’s reflect on how each Zodiac has started this new year and find guidance for the coming months.  Libra - Moznayim Tishrei (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23) Libra, the scale, what a fitting sign for the Day of Atonement. You must have had a long Tishrei, weighing all of your sins. You’re a deep thinker, constantly analyzing your actions. This month, relax a little. Go to shul and let Rabbi weigh your sins for you, have a few L’Chaims.  Scorpio - ‘Akrab Cheshvan (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21) Scorpios have got birthdays coming up! A chance for growth. See how far you have come. You could go much farther, but for now, just celebrate while it is still socially acceptable for you to party on weekdays and be unemployed.  Sagittarius - Kasshat Kislev (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Should you look upon a clear night sky, you may find the vast wonder of the Milky Way galaxy next to the stars of your zodiac. This month, keep a level head. You may point to a galaxy, but you sure aren’t the center of it. G-d is everywhere, you aren’t.  Capricorn - Gedi Tevet (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Ask again later.  Aquarius - D’li Shevat (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) We didn’t see you much over the high holidays last month. Yes, we know you had six midterms, seven quizzes, and a lab. Just go home and shower. Please.  Pisces - Dagim Adar (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You should really stop making your decisions based on a horoscope. The commitment is respectable…kind of. But go reconnect with Hashem.  Aries - Taleh Nisan (Mar. 21 - April 19) You are often too hard on yourself, but you are a strong, bold leader. You’re on the right track, baby. You were born this way. Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you’re set. You’re on the right track, baby, you were born this way. Anyway, did you know Lady Gaga is an Aries?  Taurus - Shor Iyar (April 20 - May 20) As a Taurus myself, no notes.  Gemini - Teomim Sivan (May 21 - June 21) So you’re thinking of converting, switching sides like a Gemini. Yes, it was a packed month, the time of year when even the secular Jews make an appearance at shul, but it’s not always like this. It’s just a phase. If you really want to get wild, have a Jesus burger this weekend. Throw some cheese on it if you really want to question your identity. Go satisfy your craving for religious mingling, and we’ll see you next Shabbat.  Cancer - Sarton Tammuz (June 22 - July 22) You may have found yourself in a crabby mood much of this month; it’s a busy time. But you are right where you need to be. Think of all your accomplishments! One event yields 10 TikToks; that's some high productivity. How else would everyone know exactly how they acted at AEPi last night, or have proof to show their Jewish mothers that they go to Hillel? Keep up your work.    Leo - Ari Av (July 23 - Aug. 22) Oy. What a month (says the Leo horoscope every month). Mingling within the community means everyone knows. Next month, TMI will actually stand for ‘too much information’, you don’t have to tell everyone immediately. 1  We’ll all hear eventually anyway! Virgo - Betulah Elul (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Virgo - the maiden (the virgin). A tough one to be as a college student. I know your hopes may be high for this month, but unfortunately, you may remain a ‘maiden’ for some time. Don’t be too bummed, just man your position at the gates of AEPi on a Saturday, and some goy might take notice of your valor.  Charlotte Breier, “Who is Behind Fig and Vine,” Fig and Vine Magazine, 2025.

A lot has happened this month. As a Jewish community, we have reflected on a year past, celebrated the new year with Sukkot and Simchat Torah, and now get to rejoice with the return of the hostages in Israel and ceasefire in Gaza. It is time for some rest. In hopeful preparation for a restful November, I have deciphered the best (and worst) Ashkenazi snacks available at one of the greatest places on Earth, Trader Joe’s.  Why Ashkenazi ? I’m Ashkenazi. To me, there is no greater rejuvenation than eating my mom’s roast chicken and potatoes on a Shabbat  night. My Safta , who learned German before English, and my Saba , whose Polish family settled down in New Jersey before he was born, were my tasting team. And although it sounds like a simple, fun afternoon of schmoozing and noshing, the real experience was far from casual. The Process My grandparents and I tried 8 items from Trader Joe’s. Some items were complementary, some were individual. For each item, we awarded a taste and authenticity score from 0 to 5. That gave a composite score of 0 to 10 for each item. Then, value is assessed, granting either a “Yes,” meaning good value, or a “No,” meaning poor value.   Taste for this experiment meant overall food enjoyment experience. Taste is a major factor, but also texture, appearance, and all the parts that contribute to the sensory enjoyment of each item.  Authenticity was graded based on two factors. How truly Ashkenazi  is this food item broadly? And how well did Trader Joe’s do in mimicking the Ashkenazi form?  Value was a monetary metric. It was intended to measure the bang for your buck on a quantity level more than anything, though foods on either extreme of taste will likely earn a value grade irrelevant of the amount of food offered.  Pickle Popcorn 5/10 Taste   2/5: Starting with an hors d'oeuvre as sharp and powerful as popcorn soaked in pickle brine was my bad. And for that reason the ⅖ grade must have a slight asterisk. The popcorn is unapologetically pickle, so if you’re a fan of everything vinegar and dill, then this snack is right up your alley. For me, as a liker of pickles (in moderation) a full pour of this popcorn was hard to finish. Authenticity   3/5: I understand that people have been pickling foods since before Moses received the Ten Commandments. Still, there is something Ashkenazi  about a deli pickle, a kosher dill pickle, half of which are fully sour, the other half only partially brined. This fact of origin, combined with the popcorn only having the fully pickled flavor, docks the item a point on the Ashkenazi Authenticity  scale. The second lost point comes from the popcorn itself. There is absolutely nothing particularly Ashkenazi about popcorn, as bad as I want there to be.  Value   No: At $2.29, I still wouldn’t buy this again. Wild Sockeye Smoked Salmon           Whipped Cream Cheese       Everything Bagels Taste 5/5:  These three items combine like song and dance. The bagels after a slight toast are the perfect crunch beneath a bed of cool, cream cheese. Topped with a sheet or two of the smoked salmon, and you’ll be in textural heaven with inoffensive flavors.  Authenticity   4/5:  Lox and bagels are a classic American Jewish food. The New Yorkers who created it in the ‘30’s were almost all Ashkenazi . Still, this three item bagel is missing something. They have onion and capers at Trader Joe’s, but at a certain level of production, a restful snack becomes a meal. This easy recipe remains a snack. All you have to do is toast, schmear, and place. The other quasi-reason that this only scores a 4/5  is that it is not a food universal to Ashkenazis . American Jewry, sure, but what about the British, French, or Russian Jews? For those two reasons, the combo loses a point on Authenticity  and earns a total score of 9/10. Value: Yes : At $2.99 each, the cream cheese and everything bagels both live in my fridge at home. (Well, technically I freeze the bagels.) The salmon, on the other hand, is more of a luxury purchase. One pack costs $7.99, which feels pricey in the moment, so I rarely proceed to checkout. I will say that these $14 will buy you at least five well-built lox and bagels (sometimes even six), which is great value.  Latkes 10/10 * Taste 5/5*: These latkes greatly exceeded my expectations. Crispy outside, cushiony interior, with a smooth and salty potato taste throughout. Each bite was enjoyable texturally; the taste itself is where the asterisk is earned. I say 5/5  because I had a great sauce. The sauce really makes the experience, so if you’re yet to enjoy these potato pancakes, try again with the sauce I'm soon to recommend.  Authenticity 5/5 : No, these are not your Bubbi’s latkes, but they shouldn’t be. Authenticity to that level is, and should remain, sacred. There are no crispy bits of potato that hang off the edge, no exorbitant amount of oil that you need to drip off, and none of the heartfelt homemade touch in general. But expecting that in a sub-four dollar pack of frozen latkes (Apologies for the spoiler) would be nit-picking. They are air-fryable latkes, 100%. They are real. 5/5 Value   Yes: I couldn’t help but spoil this category; the value is just that insane. $3.69 for 8 delicious latkes is barely even a choice in 2025. Just make sure you leave room in the budget for the sauce.  Ricotta Cheese 5/10 Taste 5/5: I know firsthand that many Ashkenazi Jews experience lactose intolerance. This ricotta is worth it. For both the latkes and an upcoming item on this list, I made a simple sweetened ricotta by mixing three spoonfuls of ricotta cheese with a dollop of honey. As you see directly above, it made all the difference. The smooth sweet cheese is the perfect compliment to latkes, or apples, or most snack foods around.  Authenticity   0/5: Ricotta cheese is Italian. It’s not Ashkenazi. Sorry.  Value Yes: This pound of ricotta cheese costs $3.99. Need I say more? It’s delicious, it’s resealable, it’s in my basket consistently at TJ’s.  Chicken Soup 7/10 Taste 3/5: There is nothing wrong with this chicken soup. It is exactly as advertised. The broth was rather bland, but the trio of chicken, carrots, and onions is never bad. The color was right, none of the chicken was texturally abhorrent, so I was content. It loses a point for the lack of flavor in the broth, as well as a point for the overall eating experience lacking any excitement.  Authenticity 4/5: It is hard to call this chicken soup inauthentic. It has a nice layer of schmaltz at the top, which was pleasing to see. There was hardly any celery, but the other two mainstay veggies in carrots and onions were clearly there. And, though bland, the broth was definitely chicken. Some might say that chicken soup is a universal food, which it practically is. However, this is a 4/5  for Authenticity as far as Ashkenazi chicken soup goes. More celery and it may have received a perfect score.  Value No: Again, there is nothing wrong with this soup. $4.99 is no scam, but making soup from scratch is such an enjoyable experience, it will yield a better tasting product, and you’ll have enough to share at a cheaper rate than if you go with this pound and a half cup of chicken soup. Blintzes 6/10 Taste 4/5: There’s some explaining to do. Trader Joe’s blintzes were discontinued at the end of last year. So for a sweeter replacement, I spread some of the sweet ricotta on top of these hazelnut cocoa crepes. Not quite a blintze, but not so bad either. Sweet cheese, thin pastry, and a chocolate-hazelnut inside is hard to mess up. So I’m glad to report that it was, in fact, yummy. The spread was delicious, the pancake thin but firm, and the inside was brilliantly balanced. Some sweet treats leave me wanting more, but this decadent crepe was more than enough. For the increased expectation of pure taste from a desert item, it earns a 4/5.  Authenticity 2/5:  Blintzes are Ashkenazi. That is fact. U nfortunately, these are crepes, not blintzes. The metric might be punishing the item here, but rules are rules. One step away from a rather inauthentic blintz feels like a 2/5 to me.  Value No: $3.99 for six tasty crepes is fine value. Neither amazing nor heartbreaking, the taste would have had to have won me over. But between classics like the dark chocolate peanut butter cups, the black bean mochis, or even the dried mango slices, I doubt I’ll buy these wanna-be blintzes ever again.

There comes a bittersweet moment at the end of every year where our community must part ways with a generation of leaders. But instead of saying goodbye, we here at Fig and Vine want to say “see you soon!” And where WILL we see our seniors in the distant future? While we can’t say for sure, here is a solid guess as to where all of our graduating seniors will be in 10 years… Allen will barely make a dime screenwriting, other than a few ham-fisted Hallmark Hanukkah Specials. Performing questionable sexual favors to make a small amount of money, he’ll treat his girlfriend to overnight stays in shitty 2-star motels, which will give them both unending scabies. And his hair, what’s left of it, will still never be enough to cover up that massive forehead. Eman will be an established adult film actor, but miraculously will yet to have had an accidental child. He’ll spend his weekends in Tijuana, rizzing up Latin-X women; whether he ends up in their bed or half-naked on the beach is on a case by case basis. He’ll still enjoy kicking in car mirrors and asking everyone around him for weed.  Sigal will still be pursuing her degree in Zoology, but will have enough side hustles under her belt to fill out a seven-page resume. After years of searching for a Jewish partner, she’ll settle for an atheist, who strangely happens to be more Jewish than half of AEPi. Against all odds, she’ll still manage to get behind the wheel, always checking both ways 15 times at every stoplight. Eyal will be a tech-head finance bro, screwing every Sunnyvale Israeli out of a million dollars. He’ll be in a long lasting marriage with a dozen children, but the two of them will still be figuring out where their relationship stands. Above all else, he will still enjoy elevated surfaces and that little arm flap dance move.  Gloria  will establish her own sub-genre of social media influencer – Rave-head Pinterest girlie – and it will be virtually impossible not to stumble upon one of her reels. Using her hotel management status for tax write offs, she'll scout international music festivals in search for “the one”, constantly surprised that the DJs she meets aren’t romantically dependable. But she’ll still enjoy weekly-scheduled gossip sessions with Miri. Jordan , in lieu of Grad school, will save the global community by creating the greatest AI-detection software known to man… until he mistakenly sells it to foreign influences and becomes a social pariah. His wife will consistently beg him to take the Chabad Snuggie off in bed, and he will always refuse. And of course, his mind will still always be on Football. Sarah’s thought-provoking inquiries into data science will take her to Israel, where she’ll plan  to contribute her research to navigation technology, but it’ll ultimately be taken by the military. With a newfound hatred for Arsim, she’ll settle back down in Beverly Hills and never speak a lick of Hebrew again. She too will never remove the Chabad Snuggie, which acts as her greatest protector from the sun.  Aaron will cut all contact with the outside world (Persian community), and mistakenly embark on a Forrest-Gump-adjacent walk across America. When all’s said and done, he'll move back to Brentwood and settle down with an American Jewish Princess, as if none of it ever happened. And Crazy Chris will always somehow manage to crash every single kickback of his. After uncovering her complete and total hatred for men, Gal  will settle down with UCSB alum Leenoy, and the two will maximize their dual income on everything besides raising children. A young prodigy in the field of biotech, Gal will find a way to clone herself, just so she can work more! Every bad decision she makes will be reserved for the one night a year she ingests alcohol. Ariel will find a loophole out of the LSAT and take on the most controversial, morally gray court cases of the Millenium; yet, he still won’t be afraid to talk his shit. But eventually, he’ll soon make his grand departure from LA and return to Cabo, to wed his favorite table service girl. Together, they’ll light up every mediocre club there is, one shot at a time. Avigail will help save the planet in the most environmentally sustainable place on Earth: New York City. When she isn’t diving into corporate sustainability, she’ll be crafting groundbreaking environmental hypotheses, all of which will already be accepted by the scientific community years prior. With a loving partner and friends around the globe, she’ll come to realize it isn’t about world conservation, but the relationships she conserves along the way. Ben will be a household name, and no one will actually know why. Did he revolutionize the field of dermatology?  Or did he host the Fire Fest equivalent to EDC? Either way, he’ll finally cave and go on an arranged date – orchestrated by Miri – meeting the future Mrs. Ben Basson. But don’t worry, his one true love will ALWAYS remain Blenders. Sivan, Celine, and Leah will each embody “main character energy” in a Sex in the City  inspired way of life, only with far worse consequences. While selling absurdly priced designer items, and making zero commission on them, Sivan will undergo random spurts of radical anti-materialism, often sparked by minor fender benders on Rodeo Drive. Celine, meanwhile, will spend more time asking clarifying questions than crunching numbers at her accounting firm, but will save every last penny she makes to give her dogs an absurdly lavish lifestyle. And Leah, despite her intense 9 to 5 as a Physicians Assistant., will always make questionable medical decisions while out clubbing in Hollywood at 3:00 AM. But similar to Sex in the City , none of them will find a man who quite understands them like each other. Brian , after a brief stint in law, will establish the first ever Rush US Senate Committee: a fraternization of Super PAC lobbyists. He will treat his family to the most luxurious resorts imaginable, and always manage to find something wrong with them. But through it all, he will never denigrate himself into typing in lowercase ever again. Jasmine will be the next Prime Minister of Israel, hand-picked by Bibi Netanyahu, Noa Tishby, and Tessa Veksler. She will rule with an iron fist, eventually uniting every Middle Eastern nation in an all-out war against the Ashkenazis. Her romantic life will remain complicated but her inexplicable ability to rally at all hours of the night will never die.  Danny and Lior will transform The Plunge into a polygamous kibbutz… commune… definitely NOT a cult… which is serenaded daily by Danny’s harem of acapellaists. Incorporating somewhat of a mix between Kabbalah and Buddhism, their society will come the closest to achieving world peace, until it all burns down during an ayahuasca trip gone south. Through it all, their love for humanity, but mainly each other, will carry through. Kayla will work overtime as a therapist, since she’ll finally get paid to yap. Anytime she wears her “Make America Slime Again” trucker hat, every man in the immediate vicinity will find her irresistible. And one day, she’ll crash out hard enough to end up on Dr. Phil, only to verbally denigrate him on his own show.  Move out of the way, Pitbull! Eldod will take on the moniker of Mr. Worldwide, blessing drunk community college students with his electric beats, from Beverly Hills to slightly above Beverly Hills. Side-by-side with his UCSB Roadies, he’ll develop a passionate, almost sexual relationship to event planning, which will ultimately spiral into orgies. And like it or not, you’ll hear every last detail about it during your 6-month dental checkup as he’s working on your mouth. Ethan #2  will save the lives of many: future presidents, children from war-torn countries, Josh Golbary. But despite it all, he will never escape his mountainous heap of med-school loans, which is bound to scare off any future love interest. Therefore, he will continue to channel that love into capturing heinous memories on digital film and carrying his teammates in beer dye. Maya and Tony will be in and out of jobs, but never at the same time. Deciding on a new career path every week, Maya will simply employ herself as “People Person” at her brother’s startup. Meanwhile, Tony will finally complete his PhD and embrace an exhilarating life behind a desk. At night, the two will reconvene and give exhaustingly in-depth debriefs of their days, despite not understanding a single thing about what the other person does. But rest assured, they’ll still make sure to stop by Chabad once a year so people know they’re alive and well.   Ethan #1 will simultaneously eradicate homelessness and cause the next housing crisis, one residential community at a time. But unbeknownst to him, he has dozens of vengeful Loop residents who want his head, all because of those unbearable late-night afters he hosted; one of these stalkers, however, will become the love of his life. And no, he’s never shaving that stache. Shayna will forever be crippled by her incessant need to travel, and burdened by the financial expertise to understand how much of a problem it is. But in for a nickel, in for a dime, she’ll further plunge herself into debt by purchasing an equestrian ranch far away from civil society. Yet, she’ll still be in an obsessive pursuit of finding the cheapest flight to Israel known to man.   Joey will be fired from his medical sales position at a prestiged tech company, after mistakenly divvying out Mossad-brand pacemakers to 50% of his clientele. Therefore, he’ll take to the seas, putting those years of sailing at UCSB to good use, only to get scurvy within the first month. And you won’t hear about any of it, given his continuous refusal to post anything on Instagram.  Liad will maintain two identities, two lifestyles, two n’shamas: long and short hair. Long-haired Liad will find Hashem under the floorboards of 770. Short-haired Liad will oversee a shitty cantina bar on the Pussycat strip, where Eman will be his frequent and only customer. Long-haired Liad will settle down and squeeze more children into his home than Cheaper by the Dozen. Short-haired Liad will be the father of numerous unclaimed babies by international one-night stands. And neither Liad will carry any regrets about any of it. Tamar , as any good Jew, will abandon any thought of working at a nonprofit the second she gets into law school. While continuing to explore the world at rapid speed, she’ll embrace the full international Tinder and Hinge experience. But along the way, she’ll make the greatest memories that, for some reason, she won’t remember the following morning. Misha will be completing his 15th consecutive year at UCSB, making him – by default – the mayor of Isla Vista! However, he’ll still be as elusive as ever, spending time with his college sweetheart; the only person keeping him from turning into Crazy Chris. Rest assured, he’ll still enjoy DJing once in a blue moon and smoking so much weed it’s hard for him to string sentences together. Zoe will continuously relive the glory days by staffing Tzofim events and getting a bit too invested in her scouts’ dating life. An active participant on Meet Jew Facebook groups, she will accidentally end up on dates with numerous anti-Zionist Ashkenazis. But she will never lose her overwhelmingly positive attitude.   After years of obsessively listening to Youtube comedy clips, Sam will finally be able to joke about his technology management degree. While it will bring him financial success, with mansions and yachts in various parts of the world, it will also bring women in all of those countries, who he’ll begrudgingly refer to as “wife.” But he’ll still keep everyone questioning his political alignment based on all his Instagram stories. Natalie will keep the neoliberal dream alive, by becoming yet another Democrat to blanketly state “violence in the Middle East is no good.” At no point in her political career, however, will she stop club and bar hopping, as it’ll always be her one true anchor to the American people. She’ll still enjoy traveling, and basically any opportunity not to be stuck in Santa Clarita. Mikey , a stereotypical Jewish doctor, will be unsuccessful in completing his research, due to restraints put on him by the Federal government; but he’ll quickly pivot to a new career path: lifelong UCSB tutor. He’ll chase this dream alongside his partner, and literally won’t take his eyes off of her during the entire decade they spend together. Still, his heart will really always belong to soccer and his favorite lone soldier across the globe, Mr. Eric Marzouk.  Anna  correctly assumed that she would hate medical school, and eventually, she’ll dive head first into the healing world of crystals and incense. Jumpstarting her own astrology-backed enterprise, she’ll receive most of the funding from her loving, but more importantly, rich husband, who’s also a doctor. Even years later, Anna will still let you know if she’s planning on attending the function a whopping one minute before it starts.  Max’s unrelenting grind will FINALLY conclude… when Ilai Tamari graduates, and he quickly switches his career path to bodybuilding. However, after getting rich by accidentally creating an AI program which imitates Jordan Peterson – at frankly unfathomable tonality – he will develop questionable feelings for the software. And every dollar he makes is going towards maintaining that one last strand of hair on his head. Can’t call him bald yet! Shoshana’s constantly fluctuating vocation in marketing will ultimately settle into a career in event planning, specifically for abstinent individuals. Soon after college, she’ll meet the love of her life, and make a promise to NEVER to drink in front of him. In her spare time, she’ll continue adding random internships into her already packed schedule, just for the hell of it.  Joe will never evade the serial killer allegations, to the extent that he’ll actually pursue a career as a mad scientist. With an intimate knowledge of electrochemistry, he’ll craft a Frankenstein lover for himself, who he’ll share Settlers of Catan and D&D dates with. However, against all odds, that cat of his will still be kicking; perhaps due to the experimentation he’ll put it through. Simone will establish the first-ever Havdalah Healing Circle, praised by Kabbalists and condemned by medical professionals for false advertising. She’ll fund this endeavor through stunning art exhibits, but mainly through the sale of illicit hallucinogens in Lior’s cult. Late in her life, she’ll hit the road, singing quirky anthems in dive bars and making spare cash as a Sarah Silverman impersonator. But every year, she’ll return to SB for Kip’s annual spoken word show. Josh will not only find success swindling users on AirBnB, but also swindling recruiters by picking a new ethnicity for every job application he fills out. A romantic at heart, Josh will come to realize there’s no one as “suave” and “emotionally mature” as him, so he’ll spend all of his free time at the gym. Yet, after all those years, he’ll still be able to pack a punch, especially when he mistakenly ends up in an Uber with the cartel.  Maya and Annie will live practically identical lives, so much so it’ll be even harder to tell them apart than it is today. They’ll each own the same breed of yappy little dog, they’ll date another pair of best friends they meet at Erewhon, and they’ll both end up with their own reality television shows. Maya’s will be somewhat of a cross between Selling Sunset  and Jersey Shore , where a random assortment of celebrities will be encouraged to fight to the death in luxury Beverly Hills mansions. Annie’s show, however, will be more similar to Suits , only instead of corporate law, she’ll be defending holistic doctors that divvy out prescription meds based on vibe and aesthetic. They’ll still be fierce as ever, and maxing out their credit cards on a daily basis. Guy  will perform an EDM set on every difficult-to-access mountain top in California. But unlike the ketted-up zombies he performs for, he’ll actually have a mission in life: obsessively upkeeping that Tesla of his, until Elon Musk himself tells him to let it go. But along the way, he’ll still be pursuing a career in financial advising, ‘cause the man who spends every penny on DJ equipment and car accessories is absolutely the man for the job! And for the lovely writers at Fig and Vine, best of luck in all of your future endeavors! Lily , I hope this newspaper will not only continue to flourish, but further ostracize Jews from the wider SB community. Maya , I hope you eventually come to your senses and realize your boyfriend will never be able to financially sustain your addiction to national parks. And Charlotte , I can’t wait to read your first satire article… about the Birthright trip you’ll never get to go on.  See you in 10 years!

Jewish Gaucho Grads of 2025… To be loved is to be changed and to be changed is to be moved.  I’ve been told to take you to coffee and knock on paint chipped doors. So I can know you in every element–  with colorful clothes and elbows,  with salt-and-sun bleached kippot, I wouldn’t guess you studied physics, (I wouldn’t guess you studied at all).  During the great move-out, I carried a couch down the stairs of a friend’s apartment, and up another; I inherited a mattress which mazed through Isla Vista  atop a Honda Civic headed north to Los Angeles. Movement makes sense, just like the cloud layer holding us still until that day in June. Like the straggling lock of seagrass that hitchhiked with you from Devereux to Sueno, as your mezuzah will doorframe hop a blessing farther this year.  We dare to move- through compact space crowded with cache. I’ll remember every one of your epiphanies  while I map your travels on the back of my hand. I’ll remember every reason you pulled me  from my room, routine, and body.  Your signature surge crashes  at street corners that end in lingering hugs, you have been the swell of my life. I know this town upwells  opposite of the season.  So when water cycles through that leak in the ceiling, I’ll feel your tug beyond the Channel ~ To move intentionally, with every texture of my anatomy.  To write and sign my name like it’s a gift to you.  To celebrate life loudly.  To lean into everything.  To give time gratitude.  And of course, to take the plunge. What a miracle to have passed you by on this quintessential shoreline; You have no idea how your chesed  has moved me. And how big you’ll make waves wherever you go.

Growing up, the story of Rumpelstiltskin was one that I associated with eye rolls more than anything else.  Sure, it brought a unique twist to the classic rags-to-riches plotline – a miller’s daughter becomes queen, but she only does so after the evil creature Rumpelstiltskin helps her in exchange for her unborn child. Meanwhile, the king of the land insists that the miller’s daughter will be dead by morning if she doesn’t turn endless mountains of straw into glistening gold.    Yet I always found annoyance because of how easily Rumpelstiltskin let his real name slip, causing his ultimate demise and the daughter’s happily ever after (and come on, what kind of alphabet jumble of a name is Rumpelstiltskin anyway?). So when I found out that the next Jewish book I stumbled upon took inspiration from Rumpelstiltskin’s classic tale, I prepared for a predictable doom. But trust me, in Spinning Silver  by Naomi Novak, the story of Rumpelstiltskin has never been this good. This reimagining of Rumpelstiltskin transforms the chilling landscape of Russia into a gripping Jewish fantasy. Our heroine Miryem is not the daughter of a miller but a moneylender, becoming ruthless after her family sinks into poverty due to her parents’ trusting nature and the town’s bitter antisemitism. After boasting that she can turn silver into gold, she’s kidnapped by cruel winter fey creatures who rule her world, trapped in an ice kingdom where she is forced to spin silver into gold for a fey overlord. Unlike Rumpelstiltskin and, unfortunately for Miryem, this vicious ruling fey is not the kind of person to ever casually utter his name.     This young adult tale blends Judaism and high fantasy perfectly, allowing readers to get a glimpse into what life may have been like for Jewish teenagers during Russia’s royal regime. Though the magical elements seem distant from reality, the gems of Jewish culture shine truthfully throughout this book, as seen in the moments like when Miryem convinces the fey overlord that she needs to celebrate Shabbat despite being trapped in the ice kingdom. Surrounded by villagers who treat Jews as creatures just as villainous as the winter fey, Miryem’s journey is a haunting parallel to the life that Jews have endured over centuries in bigoted non-Jewish communities. Yet this novel is not all doom and gloom. Miryem finds community and allyship with two vastly different people – a peasant girl and the future queen of Russia. Though both characters are non-Jewish, they support Miryem wholeheartedly as the three of them come together to save their country.    This year, I’ve made it my mission to explore Jewish books I’ve never heard of before, immersing myself in new Jewish tales. Spinning Silver  was the perfect wrap-up to my time at Fig & Vine, allowing me to reconnect with my inner child who loved curling up with a good magical fantasy. If only she knew how many spellbinding and incredible Jewish books there were to come, I think she would definitely give a second chance to the story of Rumpelstiltskin.

Throughout the last couple of years, the Jewish community has faced many positive and negative experiences, and we as a community have grown stronger and changed in many ways. Although there were many challenges in the past couple of years, one benefit is the creation of a Jewish student-led magazine — Fig and Vine. This year, many members of the Jewish community were able to contribute and write some phenomenal articles. One such member is Shani Levy-Richards, who has just graduated this year. I had the pleasure of being able to interview her and to share her thoughts to the rest of the community. The first question I asked Shani was how she felt being a Jewish student at UCSB. She said that overall, she liked it (due to the large Jewish community). By percentage, UCSB has the largest Jewish community of any UC, leading to our community to be large and strong. She also mentioned that she liked the various events that happen within the UCSB Jewish community. Having such a great Hillel and Chabad here at UCSB is very helpful because these events are fun, engaging, and a great way to meet friends. Some of her favorite memories that made her feel like a part of the community have been Pesach at Hillel, and various events at Chabad. She says that she feels like the community here is more welcoming than other UCs. When I asked her about what brought her to Fig and Vine, Shani told me that she is a history major, and that Jewish history has always interested her. She told me that there is so much to talk about and learn within Jewish history, hence her fascination. I agree — we have existed as a people for the last 3000 years, and within that time so many events have occurred. She specifically told me that one interesting part was how holidays evolved over time. I followed up with Shani and asked her if she had taken any Judaic study classes at UCSB. I have taken many, and have learned how Jewish practice and laws have evolved over time. She told me that unfortunately, she had not had the time to take any classes despite the fact that she wanted to, but she had many friends who had taken Judaic studies classes, and who had enjoyed them. Personally, I have taken several of these classes with Professor Medina, and have learned a lot about our history, so I am very sad for her that she did not have the opportunity to take those classes. After that point, I inquired about her experiences as an author with Fig and Vine. Shani told me that she enjoys documenting the history — to her, it felt similar to a diary. She also mentioned that she feels more confident as an author than as a speaker, making it easier for her to express her thoughts. She told me that homework does not feel empowering to create, but since she started writing on her own volition, she feels very empowered in her writing. Following, I asked Shani about her plans post-college. She told me that she plans on taking a gap year between college and grad school. She wants to do a masters in English (potentially with history). Furthermore, she told me that although her time is done at UCSB, she still has a twin sister here, so she will be visiting. The penultimate question that I asked her involved how the Jewish community has evolved at UCSB. She told me that over time, the community, through events such as October 7th, the rise in anti-semitism, and incidents of hate directed at specific individuals, has gotten more tight-knit. The Jewish community at UCSB, and within the greater world, has been through a lot, so in order to ensure that we are able to prosper, our communities have gotten stronger. I then asked her if she had anything else to share, and she told me to let every know that she wishes them good luck. Overall, Shani has contributed greatly to the community by teaching us all about the history, and she will be dearly missed. Let's all wish her a successful time at graduate school, and hope that she visits Santa Barbara very soon!

On June 19th, 2025, recent UCSB graduate Allen Schultz sat down with an anonymous interviewer at Lazy Dog Kitchen in Fresno, California. This is the exact transcript of their conversation.  Anonymous Interviewer: Alright, great to meet you. Please state your name.  Allen:  Allen Schultz Anonymous Interviewer: Could you please spell it?  Allen: A-L-L-E-N  S-C-H-U-L-T-Z Anonymous Interviewer: Could you possibly spell it again, but with more letters? Allen: A-L-X-Y-L-E-W-J-N  S-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-U-L-T-Z  Anonymous Interviewer: And where are we today?  Allen: Lazy Dog Kitchen. I am eating Fettuccine Alfredo and very much enjoying it.  Anonymous Interviewer: So Allen, what is your involvement with Fig & Vine Magazine?  Allen: I run the satire column and make a bunch of risky jokes about my friends and pray to G-d that they land well.  Anonymous Interviewer: What else were you involved with in your college years? Allen: I was incredibly involved with Hillel, acting as board president for a year and a half. To the point where people would just call me Mr. Hillel and assume that I knew what was going on there all the time, which I definitely did not. I was rush chair and active participant in AEPi, active participant in many other Jewish communities on campus as well. Frequent Chabad goer and Pegisha enjoyer. I led tours, did screenwriting, and worked on student films. Anonymous Interviewer: Cool. Who would win in a fight: a hundred men or one gorilla?  Allen: I would go as far to say that one man, in fact, one boy could beat one gorilla. Let’s call back to the 2016 tragedy of Harambe, where a young boy fell into a gorilla enclosure which ended up with the gorilla getting shot. Yeah, I would say that one boy single handedly took out a gorilla. Granted, would a hundred men together have the balls and the chutzpah of a young child accidentally falling into a gorilla enclosure? I think this is where our debate truly starts.  Anonymous Interviewer: Allen, I think I love you. Would you still love me even if I were a worm?  Allen: What kind?  Anonymous Interviewer: The wiggly kind.  Allen: I like my worms stiff.  Anonymous Interviewer: Oh- is that a no?  Allen: I’ll answer later.  Anonymous Interviewer: Who’s your greatest role model?  Allen: I mean this with all sincerity, Pitbull is one of my greatest role models. I’m blanking on some of the specifics but for my AP Spanish class I needed to do a lot of research on Pitbull and the guy, besides his occasional conservative anti-vax views, has left a really tremendous impact on society. Through his organization and charity work he’s affected a lot of underprivileged youth communities. One such underprivileged youth community he’s dramatically affected is Isla Vista, in the way of giving us music to listen to.  Anonymous Interviewer: What is an unpopular opinion that you hold?  Allen: I don’t believe that George W. Bush was as dumb as he was letting on. I think he lost a bet and I think he’s a very serious man and he took the bet very seriously. I think the things that he said were geniusly hilarious. Some might argue only true stupidity could match, but I put him up there with the great comedy writers of our generation. Definitely unappreciated in his time. Yeah, I don’t think any of it was real. I don’t think he was ever actually president.  Anonymous Interviewer: What’s a popular opinion that you hold?  Allen: It is stupid to believe that our government is spying on us 24/7. Do they have access to all that information? Yes, absolutely, but barely anyone on the planet is cool or important enough to require an FBI agent watching them through their computer. So, whatever you’re worried or concerned that your FBI agent saw you do, trust me when I say they were playing Temple Run during the majority of your life.  Anonymous Interviewer: What are three objects that I’d find in your bedroom? Allen: Handcuffs, a towel covered in black mold (or mold adjacent), and an ostrich shirt.  Anonymous Interviewer: Maybe you want to clarify that the handcuffs are from AEPi’s formal event Champagne and Shackles?  Allen: Yes. And they’ve been used frequently thereafter.  Anonymous Interviewer: This is not true as far as I know.  Allen: There are sources. Anonymous Interviewer: Allen, should I really put this in the article?  Allen: You can decide later.  Anonymous Interviewer:  Okay. Tell us about a time you fucked around and found out.  Allen: I once almost got arrested at a UofO football game for sneaking alcohol into the stadium. When I was threatened with arrest I just went to the other side of the stadium. I did not bother to wipe off the mark that they made on my hand, and used numerous sorority girls to help block my way until I found my friends. I fucked around and found out that I am capable of anything.  Anonymous Interviewer: What’s a memory from UCSB that you’ll carry for the rest of your life?  Allen: When I was walking home from a night downtown, ex-AEPi president Eman Bareket was extremely upset that he had the hiccups. He proceeded to vent this frustration by kicking the car mirrors into every single door that he passed. When someone in the street saw him do that to their own car and they yelled at him, he proceeded to grunt at them and completely ignore confrontation.  Anonymous Interviewer: I was actually looking for something more heartfelt with that question.  Allen: Mmm, okay. AEPi initiations. I’d gone to and from LA a lot my first quarter and was not necessarily the best or most reliable pledge. When I got back from LA the night of initiation, someone else in my pledge class, a good friend of mine, Evan, asked, “Oh where have you been?” At first I thought it was accusatory so I said I’ve been in LA and started apologizing and he said, “No, no, no, you’re good man, it’s just that your presence was really missed. We could feel the lack of you in this space.” This was the first time at SB that I felt like I truly had a real place and purpose there.  Anonymous Interviewer: What is the legacy you want to leave behind at UCSB?  Allen: Drink smart, not safe. Buckets of 20 Fireball shooters are only $20 at IV Liquor Mart. Stop getting Kirkland vodka. It is disgusting, it is not worth it. Stop getting fancy vodka. You don’t deserve it. You haven’t done anything in your life deserving of fancy, really incredible alcohol. What you do deserve is great tasting, bottom of the barrel Fireball. You can get this from IV Liquor mart in shot form, bucket form, bottle form, and preferably, keg form.  Anonymous Interviewer: What is something that you struggled with in college, and how did you overcome it?  Allen: I’m someone who overthinks a lot and can very easily have anxiety attacks. I learned that taking a breath and revisiting things is important. That sharing things with your loved ones is important. It’s very common for people to say “don’t worry, you’re not alone.” Maybe another piece of advice that I would say is that sometimes you can be alone until you reach out to that person. Loneliness can be very palpable and very dire. Rather than saying “you’re not alone,” I would say “don’t make yourself alone.” Find that source of support, because there is someone out there that really truly deeply loves you. Even if you can’t see it yet.  Anonymous Interviewer: What are you looking forward to in your next stage of life?  Allen: I want to tell more Jewish stories. While I appreciate the attention that our community has put forward about recent antisemitism, I feel like the only instances of Jews you hear in modern media is about antisemitism. I really want to focus on all of the positive and joyous elements of being Jewish. I want to get a diverse array of Jewish stories out there, showing the myriad of different people that can and do practice Judaism. I want to express our culture beyond the religion, the politics, and the bigotry that our people have faced.  Anonymous Interviewer: Well, that wraps up my questions. Any closing remarks Allen?  Allen: I want more questions.  Anonymous Interviewer: Uhhh, okay. What is something you want to have in every day of your life?  Allen: The understanding, patience, enthusiasm, joy, and appreciation of everything beautiful in life that I receive from Cokebeer on a daily basis. Cokebeer is this really great thing that I invented. It’s a mixture of Coca-Cola and Root Beer. I think I’d be lost without it. My girlfriend would be pretty great to have around too.  Anonymous Interviewer: What are two things that are great on their own but horrible together?  Allen: Men and intense emotional reactions to sports. Why are you, as a man, wasting tears on a football team that you will never be a part of and likely never meet, when you couldn’t cry at the birth of your child? You helped bring life into this world, and you are such a shallow shell of a man that you cried because… the Celtics lost? Because the Superbowl didn’t go your way? Now, unless it’s about sports gambling. That’s about as masculine of an activity that you can participate in. Anonymous Interviewer: When do you think the waitress will bring us our check? Allen: I don’t know. I think she’s afraid to come over here.  Anonymous Interviewer: Yeah, that’s fair. Umm, what’s a question I should ask you?  Allen:  I think you should ask me if you’re awake right now, or still sleeping.  Anonymous Interviewer: Allen, am I awake or still sleeping?  Allen: Maya, look around you. Is that door opening and closing in the way that it should? Do the people around you look how people should? Do you remember what your food tasted like? Do you have any real sense of any of your five senses? Do you remember how we got to this booth? I am the interviewer now. Maya Kaye, how many times a day do you floss?  Anonymous Interviewee: Times a day? Uhhh, I floss about once a week. Allen:  Do you think the gums between your teeth appreciate that?  Anonymous Interviewee: No :( Allen: Maya Kaye, how often do you donate to the homeless?  Anonymous Interviewee: Like, sometimes.  Allen: Well, that’s great, because I heard that homeless people only need charity some of the time. Maya Kaye, do you know your California state representative?  Anonymous Interviewee: This is so embarrassing, no.  Allen: So you don’t care about yourself, you don’t care about the ill-privileged, and you don’t care about your local community. Maya Kaye, what do you stand for?  Anonymous Interviewee: I hate you. Allen: So you stand on hate?  Anonymous Interviewee: Allen, I’m gonna miss you.  Allen: I’m going to miss you too. But you’ll appear in every single word that I read or see or hear from you. You are an incredible writer and you are going to shape Fig & Vine in unimaginable ways.  Anonymous Interviewee: Allen, this is about you, not me. None of this is going in.  Allen: We’ll see about that.

Fig & Vine would like to highlight and congratulate one of our recent graduates, Shoshana Medved! Earning a degree in Communications complemented by an English minor, and  a Business Communications minor, and  a certification in Technology Management, Shoshana is leaving UCSB with likely the best communication skills possible for a twenty-something who went to high school during COVID! I had the pleasure of getting to know Shoshana this past year through the Jewish social grapevine, and was part of Shoshana’s Hillel book club last quarter, discussing all things supernatural and Jewish. After talking to Shoshana post-graduation, she shares that “the cliché is true – four years really does fly by!”  Coming from a Modern Orthodox background, Shoshana says that Judaism “has always been something that's been important in my life and always something that's been meaningful to me.” Senior year was Shoshana’s most involved year in UCSB’s Jewish community, reflecting that it was “a phenomenal way to deepen the connections I really love.” Some of her favorite Jewish memories in college are celebrating the holidays at Hillel and Chabad. Of her favorite holidays, she says, “the P’s really have me, Purim and Passover, but I also love Shabbat.” Her Purim costume this year was the Disney princess Belle, who was her favorite as a child. I’d expect nothing less from an avid reader! Outside of classes and Jewish events, Shoshana has made meaningful contributions to UCSB campus life. She served as a Residential Assistant for two years in San Rafael dorms,  becoming very involved in the Residential Housing Association. She was also involved in the National Residence Hall Honorary all four years, focused on community service. And don’t try to mess with Shoshana – she has been a kickboxing coach at the Recreation Center for two years. Shoshana’s path in communications started early on: “I once created this 8-page book about horses. That was a spark for my love for reading and writing.” Her love of reading and writing lays a solid foundation for pursuing a career in another passion: entertainment marketing. As she prepares for a move to Los Angeles, she feels that “the world is just opening up.” She looks forward to seizing every opportunity and seeing where it takes her. Shoshana is well on her way to flourishing in the entertainment marketing industry, with experiences interning for Paramount Pictures and Universal Studios during her time in college. You may have even seen some of her promotions of the new “How to Train Your Dragon” movie, or attended one of her movie screenings as part of her Campus Marketing internship with Universal.  “Marketing is a great way to bridge writing and a love for community building,” Shoshana says. “Your job is to tell stories for a company, which I love.” I asked her about some of her own favorite movies and television shows, and recommendations, and she took the opportunity to plug “How to Train Your Dragon.” She also loves a good sitcom!  During her time at Fig & Vine, Shoshana’s favorite book review was her first, “When the Angels Left the Old Country.” “I wish I had this book growing up, seeing teenagers saving the world, and they are Jewish and celebrating Shabbat.” This is the book that Shoshana turned into a book club during spring quarter at Hillel. We chatted about Jewish mystical beings over rainbow Challah baking, Hillel lounging, and enjoying sunshine in the park. I highly recommend checking out the book for some mystical fun and lots of Yiddish, and looking back at all of Shoshana’s thoughtful reviews.  While Shoshana is eager to take advantage of all that post-graduation life has to offer, she will really miss UCSB, particularly living so close to the beach and, even more so, the people. “I feel like UCSB is just a special place where everyone just wants to support each other, and I’m so grateful for everyone.” As she reflects on college life, she says, “for those who are part of the Jewish community at UCSB, soak up every opportunity, this is a very special place.” And for those who are taking the time to slow down this summer and rot in bed, Shoshana advises to “go rot in bed with a Jewish book! There are lots of great recommendations in Fig & Vine.” Shoshana, we look forward to hearing all of the stories you have to share, and wish you the best in career and in life. The Fig & Vine community will miss you dearly, but we are so grateful to be a part of your story!

Forbidden Fruit Disclaimer : All real events and people portrayed in this column have been fictionalized or exaggerated for humorous purposes, with consent granted by the people depicted.  Santa Barbara takes on Birthright! What are the Young Jews up to in Lieu of Birthright? On the evening of Thursday, June 12 (PST), Jews all over are checking their news updates as the world watches Israel go to war with Iran. We pray for our friends and family and the land of Israel.  A particular group of Santa Barbara Jews is checking their WhatsApp for an update on whether they’ll still take flight on Monday morning for the trip (and hangover) of their lives. Some are praying that we’ll get to go, and some for the relief of cancellation.  By Monday, the Santa Barbara Hillel Birthright trip had officially been cancelled. For many, this scrambled their entire summer, and for Ashkenazim, this meant countless calls from Jewish mothers and grandparents going on and on about how glad they are that the trip was cancelled. Since our Santa Barbara Jews aren’t in Israel, what exactly are they up to? On this fine summer morning, Kevin Manavi is checking the UV index. In lieu of Kevin’s trip to the Middle East, he is dedicating some time to tanning, in hopes of convincing everyone that he truly is fully Persian, despite his Ashkenazi complexion. Let’s hope that tan sticks until his next opportunity to visit his (allegedly) ancestral region. Over in Los Angeles is Corelle, missing out on a summer of family, meaningful connection to her homeland, and clubbing. Should you find yourself craving the kosher tastes of Israel, you can head to PSY Kitchen and be pleasantly greeted by Corelle Gabay behind the register in an attempt to make up for not being in Israel. Are we surprised? Well, not to find her in an Israeli restaurant, but we sure are used to her on the other side of the counter. What a surprise to see her in an apron! Who could have pictured her spinning that tip screen, muttering Hebrew profanity when customers don’t click at least 20% on that tip option. At least here, Corelle hopes to salvage the time lost in her plan of finding a 6-foot-5 IDF man to marry. We hope some soldier who’s finished his service and craves some schnitzel visits PSY during Corelle’s shift! Hailey Ronen’s hopes of polishing her Hebrew immersively this summer have diminished now that she won’t be doing any immersing. This comes as yet another blow for Hailey, following her recent breakup. After an unwaveringly committed 972-day streak on Duolingo, their relationship has come to an end. The times they had were fun, but she just wasn’t growing in that relationship anymore. It really is for the best. No more scrambling to satisfy her streak at 11:58 PM at parties, no more getting in bed only to hear the chimes of Duo reminding her to give it some attention. We wish Hailey well in this new stage of life; perhaps she’ll be looking for a new Hebrew practice partner! Resident New York Jew Idan Fierstein has taken the extra time at home to step into his civic duties amid the New York primaries. Unfortunately, Idan hasn’t had so much luck cold calling and knocking on doors to talk to voters, reporting that one call recipient couldn’t talk because “her vagina is literally about to explode after giving birth.” These excuses for not talking to standup citizens just keep getting more creative. Exploding vaginas are what mail-in ballots are for!  David Bogdanovic has substituted the holy land vibe with some Southern charm. He has travelled to North Carolina to visit his Bubbe — well, more like his MeeMaw. It seemed a better time than any for David to get in touch with his non-Jewish side since he was not able to connect with his Jewish homeland this summer. He is consuming unholy amounts of sweet tea and non-kosher barbecue to cope with missing out on unholy amounts of liquor in the holy land. We’ll see if anyone is able to understand his southern drawl when we do make it to Israel. Sasha Kaplow, our favorite Springboard Engagement Fellow over at Hillel, has been taking advantage of her extra time to do all sorts of summery activities. She won third place in beer trivia last week, although she would not disclose how many teams that was out of. She also ventured out onto the water by way of Jet Ski! Sasha reports that a certain Israel and Engagement Associate, who will remain anonymous out of respect, became a hit tourist attraction for a passing Landshark boat as she was being rescued from a flipped Jet Ski by the emergency rescue ski. No Birthright, no problem — Sasha has found plenty of excitement over the past two weeks! Our favorite Hillel IACT Israel Engagement Associate, Ally Walker, is done dealing with the students of Santa Barbara Hillel 10 days earlier than anticipated! A big congratulations are due to Ally for her continuing education at USC. She has upgraded from the University of Casual Sex and Beer to the University of Spoiled Children. Ally, you sure spoiled us with your time at Santa Barbara Hillel! And as for me? I have taken this time to reflect upon my first magical visit to Israel. Which was cancelled less than a week from takeoff thanks to the Omicron strain of COVID. First Omicron, now Iran, oh my! I eventually made it to Israel for that religious school trip, and we, too, the Santa Barbara Jews, shall make it eventually. Just like COVID deniers, we could just pretend that Iran doesn’t exist! It is heartwarming to see our community making such meaningful use of their time in place of their Israel travels. Big changes in plans are tough, but what a tough group of students. In no time, we’ll be back in Santa Barbara with more than 10 days’ worth of stories, and excitement building for our next attempt at Birthright.