Voting Closes Soon!

Tuesday, May 6th:

Rise and shine, Jewish Gauchos! It’s Senate Season here in Sunny Santa Barbara, and our candidates couldn’t be more excited. After an… eventful… 75th Senate, contenders have been working tirelessly to ensure their success this coming Friday. 

“It’s an especially invigorating time,” says 1st year candidate, Evan Sussman. “This electorate deserves a high-functioning, vigilant legislative body, which accentuates institutional change over geopolitical and interpersonal conflicts.” While we at Fig and Vine have difficulty processing Mr. Sussman’s vernacular, it appears his sentiments are positive!

“I’m so happy! This is so exciting!” says fellow candidate, Erica Sherkin. “At first I was like, a little scared, since they initially postponed the candidacy statements, but I’m sure that was just a fluke!” Reeling in positivity, Erica is certain “this election is going to be amazing.”

“Honestly, I’m just happy campaigning is only one week,” reveals Xander Hepburn, a transfer student candidate in the 2025 race. “I got midterms next week. Lucky to be focusing on those.”

When questioned about campaigning techniques, Letters and Science candidate Kevin Manavi had this to say: “What election?” Seems like spirits are high, and everyone’s ready for a smooth and noncontroversial ride!

Friday, May 9th:

Breaking news in the 2025 Associated Student Body race: it appears the voting deadline has been extended, due to unforeseen circumstances. Here’s the response from our candidates…

“Yeah, y’know, shouldn’t have jinxed it,” Xander admits. “Candidate forum got shut down halfway through, but that’s fine. Not like I just dry cleaned my suit or anything.”

Having just been briefed on the sudden development, Evan Sussman was conflicted. “Really? They’re just extending it? Huh, okay, more time to reach students, so that’s a win.” However, the longer he sat with this information, reality began to hit. “No, yeah, I’m good on sleep. The two hours a night I was getting was probably excessive anyway.”

Erica, however, believes it’s all for the best. “This is just ensuring everyone has a voice, and that’s A-okay with me! That is what this is about, right? Wait, why did they extend this again?”

When asked how the extension would alter his method of campaigning, Kevin Manavi was quick with his response: “Oh, that’s still going on? Well, good luck to everyone running! Wait…”

Tuesday, May 13th:

Another voting extension has left candidates, old and new, scrambling to reach that 20%...

“I’m generally a really positive person,” Erica exclaims. “But this kind of… sucks? Can I say that? Is that bad? It really feels like this sucks.”

“So my opposition doubled in size. That’s super fun,” laments Xander. “And I think I might’ve answered half of my midterm questions with campaign promises. I dunno. It’s all a blur. But looking forward to getting results after Finals! Unless that’s too presumptuous!”

Evan Sussman neglected to give a response. Or rather, when prompted with any of our questions, he reacted with a blank stare in the distance. Sources believe he was transfixed by the recurring Carrot Man in the Arbor, however, there’s no way to confirm. 

Even current senators are beginning to struggle with their extended terms, such as Jasmine Amin. “I cannot wait to get to Israel!” she remarks. “When senators act selfish, we’re stuck dealing with this dumb ****ing inconceivable ****-infested stupid ******it. (Breath) In fact, -” For younger readers, we’ll spare the remaining five minutes of her response.

While extensions have been in part due to insufficient voter turnout, rumors of internal conflict within the 75th Senate have arisen. Could they be staging a coup? Could Yang be assuming the role of Pro Tempore, given his recent announcement of retirement? Or, could the Senate, similar to the student body, have simply forgotten there was an election, just like Kevin Manavi. “Turns out I am running! For sure, 100% a candidate for Letters and Science, whatever that means.”

Friday, May 16th:

It’s official: the 76th Senate has been elected, and yet, the energy has substantially declined…

When first approached for his reaction, Evan gave an emotional response. “What?! What do you want?! I’ve given you everything! I can’t even hear myself think anymore! Bike path through the ILP? Football team for UCSB? Does this school even exist?!” However, when given clarification that the election had ended, he responded with a quiet “I won?” before breaking into tears.

“Nap time,” Xander mumbles to himself, over and over, asleep while standing up.

“I’m just happy to have been involved, really,” Erica cheers. “Congrats everyone! We did it!”

Addressing his loss, Kevin reports: “When I eventually did try getting attention in the Arbor, it just didn’t work. Apparently asking strangers ‘excuse me, do you like democracy’ is too abrasive? Oh well! Is what it is.”

We here at Fig and Vine want to deliver an enthusiastic congratulations to all of our candidates, and a job well done to Jasmine, Leah, Dalia, and all our Jewish allies in the 75th Senate. We look forward to a cathartic and tension-free transfer of power at next Wednesday’s meeting!