Where Will They Be?

There comes a bittersweet moment at the end of every year where our community must part ways with a generation of leaders. But instead of saying goodbye, we here at Fig and Vine want to say “see you soon!” And where WILL we see our seniors in the distant future? While we can’t say for sure, here is a solid guess as to where all of our graduating seniors will be in 10 years…

Allen will barely make a dime screenwriting, other than a few ham-fisted Hallmark Hanukkah Specials. Performing questionable sexual favors to make a small amount of money, he’ll treat his girlfriend to overnight stays in shitty 2-star motels, which will give them both unending scabies. And his hair, what’s left of it, will still never be enough to cover up that massive forehead.

Eman will be an established adult film actor, but miraculously will yet to have had an accidental child. He’ll spend his weekends in Tijuana, rizzing up Latin-X women; whether he ends up in their bed or half-naked on the beach is on a case by case basis. He’ll still enjoy kicking in car mirrors and asking everyone around him for weed. 

Sigal will still be pursuing her degree in Zoology, but will have enough side hustles under her belt to fill out a seven-page resume. After years of searching for a Jewish partner, she’ll settle for an atheist, who strangely happens to be more Jewish than half of AEPi. Against all odds, she’ll still manage to get behind the wheel, always checking both ways 15 times at every stoplight.

Eyal will be a tech-head finance bro, screwing every Sunnyvale Israeli out of a million dollars. He’ll be in a long lasting marriage with a dozen children, but the two of them will still be figuring out where their relationship stands. Above all else, he will still enjoy elevated surfaces and that little arm flap dance move. 

Gloria will establish her own sub-genre of social media influencer – Rave-head Pinterest girlie – and it will be virtually impossible not to stumble upon one of her reels. Using her hotel management status for tax write offs, she'll scout international music festivals in search for “the one”, constantly surprised that the DJs she meets aren’t romantically dependable. But she’ll still enjoy weekly-scheduled gossip sessions with Miri.

Jordan, in lieu of Grad school, will save the global community by creating the greatest AI-detection software known to man… until he mistakenly sells it to foreign influences and becomes a social pariah. His wife will consistently beg him to take the Chabad Snuggie off in bed, and he will always refuse. And of course, his mind will still always be on Football.

Sarah’s thought-provoking inquiries into data science will take her to Israel, where she’ll plan to contribute her research to navigation technology, but it’ll ultimately be taken by the military. With a newfound hatred for Arsim, she’ll settle back down in Beverly Hills and never speak a lick of Hebrew again. She too will never remove the Chabad Snuggie, which acts as her greatest protector from the sun. 

Aaron will cut all contact with the outside world (Persian community), and mistakenly embark on a Forrest-Gump-adjacent walk across America. When all’s said and done, he'll move back to Brentwood and settle down with an American Jewish Princess, as if none of it ever happened. And Crazy Chris will always somehow manage to crash every single kickback of his.

After uncovering her complete and total hatred for men, Gal will settle down with UCSB alum Leenoy, and the two will maximize their dual income on everything besides raising children. A young prodigy in the field of biotech, Gal will find a way to clone herself, just so she can work more! Every bad decision she makes will be reserved for the one night a year she ingests alcohol.

Ariel will find a loophole out of the LSAT and take on the most controversial, morally gray court cases of the Millenium; yet, he still won’t be afraid to talk his shit. But eventually, he’ll soon make his grand departure from LA and return to Cabo, to wed his favorite table service girl. Together, they’ll light up every mediocre club there is, one shot at a time.

Avigail will help save the planet in the most environmentally sustainable place on Earth: New York City. When she isn’t diving into corporate sustainability, she’ll be crafting groundbreaking environmental hypotheses, all of which will already be accepted by the scientific community years prior. With a loving partner and friends around the globe, she’ll come to realize it isn’t about world conservation, but the relationships she conserves along the way.

Ben will be a household name, and no one will actually know why. Did he revolutionize the field of dermatology?  Or did he host the Fire Fest equivalent to EDC? Either way, he’ll finally cave and go on an arranged date – orchestrated by Miri – meeting the future Mrs. Ben Basson. But don’t worry, his one true love will ALWAYS remain Blenders.

Sivan, Celine, and Leah will each embody “main character energy” in a Sex in the City inspired way of life, only with far worse consequences. While selling absurdly priced designer items, and making zero commission on them, Sivan will undergo random spurts of radical anti-materialism, often sparked by minor fender benders on Rodeo Drive. Celine, meanwhile, will spend more time asking clarifying questions than crunching numbers at her accounting firm, but will save every last penny she makes to give her dogs an absurdly lavish lifestyle. And Leah, despite her intense 9 to 5 as a Physicians Assistant., will always make questionable medical decisions while out clubbing in Hollywood at 3:00 AM. But similar to Sex in the City, none of them will find a man who quite understands them like each other.

Brian, after a brief stint in law, will establish the first ever Rush US Senate Committee: a fraternization of Super PAC lobbyists. He will treat his family to the most luxurious resorts imaginable, and always manage to find something wrong with them. But through it all, he will never denigrate himself into typing in lowercase ever again.

Jasmine will be the next Prime Minister of Israel, hand-picked by Bibi Netanyahu, Noa Tishby, and Tessa Veksler. She will rule with an iron fist, eventually uniting every Middle Eastern nation in an all-out war against the Ashkenazis. Her romantic life will remain complicated but her inexplicable ability to rally at all hours of the night will never die. 

Danny and Lior will transform The Plunge into a polygamous kibbutz… commune… definitely NOT a cult… which is serenaded daily by Danny’s harem of acapellaists. Incorporating somewhat of a mix between Kabbalah and Buddhism, their society will come the closest to achieving world peace, until it all burns down during an ayahuasca trip gone south. Through it all, their love for humanity, but mainly each other, will carry through.

Kayla will work overtime as a therapist, since she’ll finally get paid to yap. Anytime she wears her “Make America Slime Again” trucker hat, every man in the immediate vicinity will find her irresistible. And one day, she’ll crash out hard enough to end up on Dr. Phil, only to verbally denigrate him on his own show. 

Move out of the way, Pitbull! Eldod will take on the moniker of Mr. Worldwide, blessing drunk community college students with his electric beats, from Beverly Hills to slightly above Beverly Hills. Side-by-side with his UCSB Roadies, he’ll develop a passionate, almost sexual relationship to event planning, which will ultimately spiral into orgies. And like it or not, you’ll hear every last detail about it during your 6-month dental checkup as he’s working on your mouth.

Ethan #2 will save the lives of many: future presidents, children from war-torn countries, Josh Golbary. But despite it all, he will never escape his mountainous heap of med-school loans, which is bound to scare off any future love interest. Therefore, he will continue to channel that love into capturing heinous memories on digital film and carrying his teammates in beer dye.

Maya and Tony will be in and out of jobs, but never at the same time. Deciding on a new career path every week, Maya will simply employ herself as “People Person” at her brother’s startup. Meanwhile, Tony will finally complete his PhD and embrace an exhilarating life behind a desk. At night, the two will reconvene and give exhaustingly in-depth debriefs of their days, despite not understanding a single thing about what the other person does. But rest assured, they’ll still make sure to stop by Chabad once a year so people know they’re alive and well.  

Ethan #1 will simultaneously eradicate homelessness and cause the next housing crisis, one residential community at a time. But unbeknownst to him, he has dozens of vengeful Loop residents who want his head, all because of those unbearable late-night afters he hosted; one of these stalkers, however, will become the love of his life. And no, he’s never shaving that stache.

Shayna will forever be crippled by her incessant need to travel, and burdened by the financial expertise to understand how much of a problem it is. But in for a nickel, in for a dime, she’ll further plunge herself into debt by purchasing an equestrian ranch far away from civil society. Yet, she’ll still be in an obsessive pursuit of finding the cheapest flight to Israel known to man.  

Joey will be fired from his medical sales position at a prestiged tech company, after mistakenly divvying out Mossad-brand pacemakers to 50% of his clientele. Therefore, he’ll take to the seas, putting those years of sailing at UCSB to good use, only to get scurvy within the first month. And you won’t hear about any of it, given his continuous refusal to post anything on Instagram. 

Liad will maintain two identities, two lifestyles, two n’shamas: long and short hair. Long-haired Liad will find Hashem under the floorboards of 770. Short-haired Liad will oversee a shitty cantina bar on the Pussycat strip, where Eman will be his frequent and only customer. Long-haired Liad will settle down and squeeze more children into his home than Cheaper by the Dozen. Short-haired Liad will be the father of numerous unclaimed babies by international one-night stands. And neither Liad will carry any regrets about any of it.

Tamar, as any good Jew, will abandon any thought of working at a nonprofit the second she gets into law school. While continuing to explore the world at rapid speed, she’ll embrace the full international Tinder and Hinge experience. But along the way, she’ll make the greatest memories that, for some reason, she won’t remember the following morning.

Misha will be completing his 15th consecutive year at UCSB, making him – by default – the mayor of Isla Vista! However, he’ll still be as elusive as ever, spending time with his college sweetheart; the only person keeping him from turning into Crazy Chris. Rest assured, he’ll still enjoy DJing once in a blue moon and smoking so much weed it’s hard for him to string sentences together.

Zoe will continuously relive the glory days by staffing Tzofim events and getting a bit too invested in her scouts’ dating life. An active participant on Meet Jew Facebook groups, she will accidentally end up on dates with numerous anti-Zionist Ashkenazis. But she will never lose her overwhelmingly positive attitude.  

After years of obsessively listening to Youtube comedy clips, Sam will finally be able to joke about his technology management degree. While it will bring him financial success, with mansions and yachts in various parts of the world, it will also bring women in all of those countries, who he’ll begrudgingly refer to as “wife.” But he’ll still keep everyone questioning his political alignment based on all his Instagram stories.

Natalie will keep the neoliberal dream alive, by becoming yet another Democrat to blanketly state “violence in the Middle East is no good.” At no point in her political career, however, will she stop club and bar hopping, as it’ll always be her one true anchor to the American people. She’ll still enjoy traveling, and basically any opportunity not to be stuck in Santa Clarita.

Mikey, a stereotypical Jewish doctor, will be unsuccessful in completing his research, due to restraints put on him by the Federal government; but he’ll quickly pivot to a new career path: lifelong UCSB tutor. He’ll chase this dream alongside his partner, and literally won’t take his eyes off of her during the entire decade they spend together. Still, his heart will really always belong to soccer and his favorite lone soldier across the globe, Mr. Eric Marzouk. 

Anna correctly assumed that she would hate medical school, and eventually, she’ll dive head first into the healing world of crystals and incense. Jumpstarting her own astrology-backed enterprise, she’ll receive most of the funding from her loving, but more importantly, rich husband, who’s also a doctor. Even years later, Anna will still let you know if she’s planning on attending the function a whopping one minute before it starts. 

Max’s unrelenting grind will FINALLY conclude… when Ilai Tamari graduates, and he quickly switches his career path to bodybuilding. However, after getting rich by accidentally creating an AI program which imitates Jordan Peterson – at frankly unfathomable tonality – he will develop questionable feelings for the software. And every dollar he makes is going towards maintaining that one last strand of hair on his head. Can’t call him bald yet!

Shoshana’s constantly fluctuating vocation in marketing will ultimately settle into a career in event planning, specifically for abstinent individuals. Soon after college, she’ll meet the love of her life, and make a promise to NEVER to drink in front of him. In her spare time, she’ll continue adding random internships into her already packed schedule, just for the hell of it. 

Joe will never evade the serial killer allegations, to the extent that he’ll actually pursue a career as a mad scientist. With an intimate knowledge of electrochemistry, he’ll craft a Frankenstein lover for himself, who he’ll share Settlers of Catan and D&D dates with. However, against all odds, that cat of his will still be kicking; perhaps due to the experimentation he’ll put it through.

Simone will establish the first-ever Havdalah Healing Circle, praised by Kabbalists and condemned by medical professionals for false advertising. She’ll fund this endeavor through stunning art exhibits, but mainly through the sale of illicit hallucinogens in Lior’s cult. Late in her life, she’ll hit the road, singing quirky anthems in dive bars and making spare cash as a Sarah Silverman impersonator. But every year, she’ll return to SB for Kip’s annual spoken word show.

Josh will not only find success swindling users on AirBnB, but also swindling recruiters by picking a new ethnicity for every job application he fills out. A romantic at heart, Josh will come to realize there’s no one as “suave” and “emotionally mature” as him, so he’ll spend all of his free time at the gym. Yet, after all those years, he’ll still be able to pack a punch, especially when he mistakenly ends up in an Uber with the cartel. 

Maya and Annie will live practically identical lives, so much so it’ll be even harder to tell them apart than it is today. They’ll each own the same breed of yappy little dog, they’ll date another pair of best friends they meet at Erewhon, and they’ll both end up with their own reality television shows. Maya’s will be somewhat of a cross between Selling Sunset and Jersey Shore, where a random assortment of celebrities will be encouraged to fight to the death in luxury Beverly Hills mansions. Annie’s show, however, will be more similar to Suits, only instead of corporate law, she’ll be defending holistic doctors that divvy out prescription meds based on vibe and aesthetic. They’ll still be fierce as ever, and maxing out their credit cards on a daily basis.

Guy will perform an EDM set on every difficult-to-access mountain top in California. But unlike the ketted-up zombies he performs for, he’ll actually have a mission in life: obsessively upkeeping that Tesla of his, until Elon Musk himself tells him to let it go. But along the way, he’ll still be pursuing a career in financial advising, ‘cause the man who spends every penny on DJ equipment and car accessories is absolutely the man for the job!

And for the lovely writers at Fig and Vine, best of luck in all of your future endeavors! Lily, I hope this newspaper will not only continue to flourish, but further ostracize Jews from the wider SB community. Maya, I hope you eventually come to your senses and realize your boyfriend will never be able to financially sustain your addiction to national parks. And Charlotte, I can’t wait to read your first satire article… about the Birthright trip you’ll never get to go on. 

See you in 10 years!