What are the Young Jews up to in Lieu of Birthright?

Forbidden Fruit Disclaimer: All real events and people portrayed in this column have been fictionalized or exaggerated for humorous purposes, with consent granted by the people depicted. 

Santa Barbara takes on Birthright!

What are the Young Jews up to in Lieu of Birthright?

On the evening of Thursday, June 12 (PST), Jews all over are checking their news updates as the world watches Israel go to war with Iran. We pray for our friends and family and the land of Israel. 

A particular group of Santa Barbara Jews is checking their WhatsApp for an update on whether they’ll still take flight on Monday morning for the trip (and hangover) of their lives. Some are praying that we’ll get to go, and some for the relief of cancellation. 

By Monday, the Santa Barbara Hillel Birthright trip had officially been cancelled. For many, this scrambled their entire summer, and for Ashkenazim, this meant countless calls from Jewish mothers and grandparents going on and on about how glad they are that the trip was cancelled. Since our Santa Barbara Jews aren’t in Israel, what exactly are they up to?

On this fine summer morning, Kevin Manavi is checking the UV index. In lieu of Kevin’s trip to the Middle East, he is dedicating some time to tanning, in hopes of convincing everyone that he truly is fully Persian, despite his Ashkenazi complexion. Let’s hope that tan sticks until his next opportunity to visit his (allegedly) ancestral region.

Over in Los Angeles is Corelle, missing out on a summer of family, meaningful connection to her homeland, and clubbing. Should you find yourself craving the kosher tastes of Israel, you can head to PSY Kitchen and be pleasantly greeted by Corelle Gabay behind the register in an attempt to make up for not being in Israel. Are we surprised? Well, not to find her in an Israeli restaurant, but we sure are used to her on the other side of the counter. What a surprise to see her in an apron! Who could have pictured her spinning that tip screen, muttering Hebrew profanity when customers don’t click at least 20% on that tip option. At least here, Corelle hopes to salvage the time lost in her plan of finding a 6-foot-5 IDF man to marry. We hope some soldier who’s finished his service and craves some schnitzel visits PSY during Corelle’s shift!

Hailey Ronen’s hopes of polishing her Hebrew immersively this summer have diminished now that she won’t be doing any immersing. This comes as yet another blow for Hailey, following her recent breakup. After an unwaveringly committed 972-day streak on Duolingo, their relationship has come to an end. The times they had were fun, but she just wasn’t growing in that relationship anymore. It really is for the best. No more scrambling to satisfy her streak at 11:58 PM at parties, no more getting in bed only to hear the chimes of Duo reminding her to give it some attention. We wish Hailey well in this new stage of life; perhaps she’ll be looking for a new Hebrew practice partner!

Resident New York Jew Idan Fierstein has taken the extra time at home to step into his civic duties amid the New York primaries. Unfortunately, Idan hasn’t had so much luck cold calling and knocking on doors to talk to voters, reporting that one call recipient couldn’t talk because “her vagina is literally about to explode after giving birth.” These excuses for not talking to standup citizens just keep getting more creative. Exploding vaginas are what mail-in ballots are for! 

David Bogdanovic has substituted the holy land vibe with some Southern charm. He has travelled to North Carolina to visit his Bubbe — well, more like his MeeMaw. It seemed a better time than any for David to get in touch with his non-Jewish side since he was not able to connect with his Jewish homeland this summer. He is consuming unholy amounts of sweet tea and non-kosher barbecue to cope with missing out on unholy amounts of liquor in the holy land. We’ll see if anyone is able to understand his southern drawl when we do make it to Israel.

Sasha Kaplow, our favorite Springboard Engagement Fellow over at Hillel, has been taking advantage of her extra time to do all sorts of summery activities. She won third place in beer trivia last week, although she would not disclose how many teams that was out of. She also ventured out onto the water by way of Jet Ski! Sasha reports that a certain Israel and Engagement Associate, who will remain anonymous out of respect, became a hit tourist attraction for a passing Landshark boat as she was being rescued from a flipped Jet Ski by the emergency rescue ski. No Birthright, no problem — Sasha has found plenty of excitement over the past two weeks!

Our favorite Hillel IACT Israel Engagement Associate, Ally Walker, is done dealing with the students of Santa Barbara Hillel 10 days earlier than anticipated! A big congratulations are due to Ally for her continuing education at USC. She has upgraded from the University of Casual Sex and Beer to the University of Spoiled Children. Ally, you sure spoiled us with your time at Santa Barbara Hillel!

And as for me? I have taken this time to reflect upon my first magical visit to Israel. Which was cancelled less than a week from takeoff thanks to the Omicron strain of COVID. First Omicron, now Iran, oh my! I eventually made it to Israel for that religious school trip, and we, too, the Santa Barbara Jews, shall make it eventually. Just like COVID deniers, we could just pretend that Iran doesn’t exist!

It is heartwarming to see our community making such meaningful use of their time in place of their Israel travels. Big changes in plans are tough, but what a tough group of students. In no time, we’ll be back in Santa Barbara with more than 10 days’ worth of stories, and excitement building for our next attempt at Birthright.