Fig & Vine Horoscopes

Ah, Tishrei, we have made it through our first month of a new Jewish calendar year. We have cast our sins into the ocean, and the tide washed them right back up. We complained through a hungry day of reflection, and continued to complain when we broke our fast a little too much. We finished reading the Torah, and drank so much we forgot what happened, so we’ll have to read it again this year. Now that we have closed out our month of holiness, let’s reflect on how each Zodiac has started this new year and find guidance for the coming months. 

Libra - Moznayim

Tishrei (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

Libra, the scale, what a fitting sign for the Day of Atonement. You must have had a long Tishrei, weighing all of your sins. You’re a deep thinker, constantly analyzing your actions. This month, relax a little. Go to shul and let Rabbi weigh your sins for you, have a few L’Chaims. 

Scorpio - ‘Akrab

Cheshvan (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

Scorpios have got birthdays coming up! A chance for growth. See how far you have come. You could go much farther, but for now, just celebrate while it is still socially acceptable for you to party on weekdays and be unemployed. 

Sagittarius - Kasshat

Kislev (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Should you look upon a clear night sky, you may find the vast wonder of the Milky Way galaxy next to the stars of your zodiac. This month, keep a level head. You may point to a galaxy, but you sure aren’t the center of it. G-d is everywhere, you aren’t. 

Capricorn - Gedi

Tevet (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Ask again later. 

Aquarius - D’li

Shevat (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

We didn’t see you much over the high holidays last month. Yes, we know you had six midterms, seven quizzes, and a lab. Just go home and shower. Please. 

Pisces - Dagim

Adar (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

You should really stop making your decisions based on a horoscope. The commitment is respectable…kind of. But go reconnect with Hashem. 

Aries - Taleh

Nisan (Mar. 21 - April 19)

You are often too hard on yourself, but you are a strong, bold leader. You’re on the right track, baby. You were born this way. Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you’re set. You’re on the right track, baby, you were born this way. Anyway, did you know Lady Gaga is an Aries? 

Taurus - Shor

Iyar (April 20 - May 20)

As a Taurus myself, no notes. 

Gemini - Teomim

Sivan (May 21 - June 21)

So you’re thinking of converting, switching sides like a Gemini. Yes, it was a packed month, the time of year when even the secular Jews make an appearance at shul, but it’s not always like this. It’s just a phase. If you really want to get wild, have a Jesus burger this weekend. Throw some cheese on it if you really want to question your identity. Go satisfy your craving for religious mingling, and we’ll see you next Shabbat. 

Cancer - Sarton

Tammuz (June 22 - July 22)

You may have found yourself in a crabby mood much of this month; it’s a busy time. But you are right where you need to be. Think of all your accomplishments! One event yields 10 TikToks; that's some high productivity. How else would everyone know exactly how they acted at AEPi last night, or have proof to show their Jewish mothers that they go to Hillel? Keep up your work. 

Leo - Ari

Av (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Oy. What a month (says the Leo horoscope every month). Mingling within the community means everyone knows. Next month, TMI will actually stand for ‘too much information’, you don’t have to tell everyone immediately.¹ We’ll all hear eventually anyway!

Virgo - Betulah

Elul (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Virgo - the maiden (the virgin). A tough one to be as a college student. I know your hopes may be high for this month, but unfortunately, you may remain a ‘maiden’ for some time. Don’t be too bummed, just man your position at the gates of AEPi on a Saturday, and some goy might take notice of your valor. 

Charlotte Breier, “Who is Behind Fig and Vine,” Fig and Vine Magazine, 2025.