October Horoscopes

By Charlotte Breier

Wait, it's only week three right?

Plus, the signs as Halloween costumes.

Aries - Taleh

Nisan (Mar. 21 - April 19)

Daylight savings time change is approaching. You’ll be going to class in the sunlight and emerge in 4pm darkness, but don’t let the darkness consume you. At least Shabbat dinner will be earlier! No more going out tops at Chabad, you can finally be a little modest with time to get ready and get to the pregame. Make light in the dark.

Wearing the same firefighter hat from the past 5 years. Economical and sustainable!

Taurus - Shor

Iyar (April 20 - May 20)

It's time to be brave. No more skipping Chabad because you don’t have anyone to go with. You typically resort to acting like you’re helping in the kitchen when you have nobody to talk to even though the kitchen is already swarmed with the pregamers and the volunteers who have been laboring away in there all day. Showing up alone is like, cool and mysterious. Put yourself out there!

It’s so nerdy we can’t remember what the hell it is.

Gemini - Teomim

Sivan (May 21 - June 21)

Girl, it’s not week one anymore. That iClicker is not gonna do itself, and hangovers don’t count for sick absences. Grab those electrolytes and aspirin cause this year we are playing hard and working harder. 

Prison Jumpsuit

Cancer - Sarton

Tammuz (June 22 - July 22)

The situationship is not getting a new label anytime soon. The situation is y’all don’t want to talk about your feelings. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. We’re basically in situationships with our roommates, our parents, our coworkers. Talk to your ships, clear the situations.

Unspecified Wild Animal

Leo - Ari

Av (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Yom Kippur was only a month ago, you’ve got a long way to go before the next day of atonement and the material to atone for is building up. Spend some time with your elders, you’ll gain valuable insight and learn from their years of atonement. Soon those elders will graduate and you’ll never talk again as they embark on their unc life, so now is the time. 

Playboy Bunny (a feminist!) 

Virgo - Betulah

Elul (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Take some time to focus on you. #selfcare. You’re like the therapist of Hillel, but what about your own problems? Perhaps you are trying to fill the rabbinic void, but perhaps you are focusing on the flaws and drama around you to uphold your own facade of perfection. Or maybe you’re just a chiller with no drama and you should go to rabbinical school and be the new Hillel Rabbi? Idk, just throwing things out into the stars. 

Queen Esther; only conceptualization of Halloween is Purim. 

Libra - Moznayim

Tishrei (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

Tired of spending 8 hours in the lib on weekends? We’re here to tell you that you don’t have to! You’re doing all your socializing on the fourth floor, when you could be doing it outside. No more longing through the ocean side windows, do your work and then touch some grass. 

In the lib on Halloween

Scorpio - ‘Akrab

Cheshvan (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

‘Tis the season of the Scorpios! You are beginning a new season of your own. We know you’re more of a Talmud gal, but the Torah opposes divination and predicting the future. You must make your own decisions, pave your own path. 

Going as an angel and a devil with their roommate, forgot to coordinate so they’re both angels. 

Sagittarius - Kasshat

Kislev (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

This week’s parsha, Vayera, includes the circumcision of Abraham at age 99. It’s never too late for you! To go for your dreams and goals, that is. It is definitely late to get circumcised, but anything could happen. Life may be discouraging, but don’t feel behind, a breakthrough is coming your way.  

Bob Ross

Capricorn - Gedi

Tevet (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

You’ve been working hard to open up and talk to more people, well, let people talk to you. The yenta gene certainly skipped over you, people tend to get more of a Buddhist monk vibe from you. Your spiritual strength is commendable, allow that spirit to fuel some spontaneity, get silly!  

Bedsheet ghost

Aquarius - D’li

Shevat (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Love the passion. Love the energy. Make some of that energy tangible. Pick one thing this month and really try it out. You may fantasize about the aura of getting barreled, but you should probably touch a surfboard first. 

Vaguely a Mermaid

Pisces - Dagim

Adar (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 

Perhaps you’ve missed the stability and guidance of these detailed horoscopes while Fig & Vine was away for summer. What guidance did you find in your own spirit? Let your spirit entwine with the stars, revealing a path toward great revelations. You’ll feel it. 

Is going as Santa’s (slutty) little helper; “We always celebrated both growing up.”