New Year, New Jews!

For this New Year’s horoscope, I’ve dived deep into the stars, searching for all the shining signs of what this year could hold for the readers of Fig and Vine. 

Aries - Taleh

Nisan (Mar. 21 - April 19)

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Compatible with Capricorn. 

Taurus - Shor

Iyar (April 20 - May 20)

After almost 8 years, Uranus will be leaving Taurus in 2026 (it’s real, I looked it up). All that time you felt a stick up your ass, and it was just Uranus up your anus. In Astrology, Uranus is said to symbolize change. The change of the past 8 years is not what we were hoping for, thanks universe. But we don’t need Uranus to make the change we want, this year we can take matters into our own hands and really lock in on reposting those Instagram stories to bring world peace. 

Formerly compatible with Uranus. Loves a Leo (no butt stuff though). 

Gemini - Teomim

Sivan (May 21 - June 21)

Oh, hey there Gemini! We’re surprised you’re here. Hmm, we didn’t quite prepare anything for you, didn’t think you’d listen anyway. You’re just so adaptable, and that’s what will get you through the situations that may come your way this year (because neither the stars nor Hashem can predict the situations you’ll get yourself into). 

In a situationship with a Leo. Or was it a Libra? We can’t keep track. 

Cancer - Sarton

Tammuz (June 22 - July 22)

So, you’re going for NJB again this year? Unfortunately, it’s just not in the stars for you this year. Again. You’ve been craving the feeling of being nurtured, but it's time to nurture yourself. Pageant titles and Nice Jewish Hookups just aren’t going to cut it. It is time for some personal development, not plot development. 

Focusing on themselves this year. (Chasing a nice Jewish Aries). 

Leo - Ari

Av (July 23 - Aug. 22)

A new year is a time for contemplation, who do you want to be? What do you want this year to look like? Take some time to get outside and contemplate to yourself. You’re used to voicing your contemplations publicly, but in 2026, you can keep more of your contemplations to yourself. Voice your thoughts through action, that will be plenty. 

Ground yourself with a Taurus. 

Virgo - Betulah

Elul (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Big changes are in store for you in 2026. Like, a haircut even. And go for it! Embrace the changes that may come your way.  You’ve been practical, what if you just fuck around and find out? As the kids say. 

Eff around and find out with a Capricorn. 

Libra - Moznayim

Tishrei (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

You’ve longed for balance for so long, and this is it, the planets are aligning. You’ve figured out how to make it to your 8am, stay at Chabad past 8pm, get 8 hours of sleep. No need for therapy, as long as nothing interferes with your perfectly balanced schedule. Don’t think about the frat flus that could take you out, the high holidays that require your spiritual presence, or the time you inevitably and regrettably let the situationship sleep over. Maintaining the balance maintains your peace. 

Stressed out over a Sagittarius. 

Scorpio - ‘Akrab

Cheshvan (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

Did you hear 2016 is back?! The stars have aligned, and you don’t have to hide it anymore, you can finally wear jeans that show off leg day. You’ve been doing your best to fit the looks of today, it’s the thought that counts. But now nobody can say anything when you walk into Hillel fitted with your choker as tight as your jeans, and your part in the other hemisphere of your head. 

Getting nostalgic with a Leo. 

Sagittarius - Kasshat

Kislev (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

You’re already expecting a great year, keep up the optimism. The world might be falling apart as you read this, but the Sun is out! Us Isla Vistaians know that a sunny day solves all. Tu Bishvat is coming up, skip all your classes and go be with the trees. It’s like, your religious and spiritual duty. Hugging a tree is basically doing your part for the environmental cause. 

Compatible with Pisces, under the right planetary circumstances. 

Capricorn - Gedi

Tevet (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Your discipline is deeply admirable, and grounds you as an Earth sign. It can be a strength, the stubbornness that has kept Judaism alive from generation to generation.

But it’s time for you to release yourself from the strains of your stubbornness, relax a little. Go crazy and eat at Hillel and Chabad, your figure will recover by next Shabbat.  

Reliably compatible with Aries in the bedroom. This year, your spirit will find compatibility with Virgo. 

Aquarius - D’li

Shevat (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

You’re a rational sign, you know this is all bs. Just keep going to Minyan every Saturday, all will be well. 

Compatible with Hashem; doesn’t give a shit about your zodiac sign.  

Pisces - Dagim

Adar (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Good news, 2026 is looking like your year! As long as you follow your horoscopes. You’ve probably already got those Co-Star notifications on anyway. If you follow Co-Star, nothing will be your fault! It is all in the stars, the positions of the planets, how can you be expected to be responsible for your own actions? Invest in your crystal collection, and you’ll seal in your shining year.

Busy making their birth chart. Once they’ve made it, they’ll find compatibility with Aquarius’s rising sunshine, but the sinking moon will sink the relation-ship.